I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
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who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I saw nothing
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy