I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
You Might Also Like
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
bad news gang
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British