@abbycohenwl: I never thought I'd meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
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@joejwest: ME: Good date? FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed ME: Then what? FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger] ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
@Jasmin_Tatts: I don't usually spank the kids while we're in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
@MrT1M: Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard. No? Ok, I'll show myself out.
@SufficientCharm: GOD: Let's give her ALL the awesome. "But what if it's TOO much awesome?" GOD: Then we'll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.