@ObscureGent: I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
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@SirEvisiae: EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY! "What's that?" It...it's a sawed-off shotgun. "Aren't you supposed to use the other half?" ...shit.
@GrantTanaka: me: [unconscious in hospital bed] wife: I think we're ready to pull the plug dr: why wife: quality of life dr: he could wake up at any moment wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
@TheHyyyype: ME: i honestly only had one drink WIFE: i don't believe a word you just said ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they're all real
@JasonLastname: Law enforcement's cracking down on texting while driving, but there's no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.