I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
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My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”