@ObscureGent: I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
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@SaraThomas84: The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
@DadandBuried: Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
@daemonic3: [first date] *Ok don't let her know you're a vampire* "Would you like a mint?" *reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000* "Dammit"
@zachreinert03: I think the term copycat serial killer is a bullshit term. They can't kill the same people as the other guy