I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
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Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Milk Cube
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
The French cow says MEUX…
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.