He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE