@samfromks: I never touch baby carrots because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.
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@ElKnuckelhombre: Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy. Me: Did it work?
@dumbbeezie: Holiday tip. Always buy people gifts that you would like for yourself in case they piss you off before Christmas
@Kendragarden: If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
@amydillon: Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.