All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
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I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
When you let grandma cat sit
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are