I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
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Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Before crowbars crows drank alone
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?