I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
You Might Also Like
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
this is 10/10 content no notes
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
getting groceries
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”