I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
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8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
he’s doing your taxes
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
True?
Straight people are cancelled
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.