I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.