I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
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My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Introverted vegans go meetless
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.