@NurseMurderer: I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don't feed me and I'll kill everyone.
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@Crutnacker: Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter. O: Joe... Biden: Trust me.
@SadPeruna: Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don't have friends.
@MatCro: Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames: Ratty: I'll be The Ratster! Toad: I'll be The Toadster! Mole: I'll be The Molest... I'll be Moley.
@david8hughes: [at the opera] Me: what's wrong with that guy Wife: shh! Me: but he's tiny, he can barely hold that violin Wife [whispers]: that's a cello