I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
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And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
(yawn)
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.