I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
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The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
TEETH IS INNOCENT
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
The sacred texts.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.