@miss_foofoo: I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ's. If I'm gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
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@CulturedRuffian: I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
@CroweJam: My wife's favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
@Bagyants: "What if we make headphones that stay in people's ears?" "Good idea Bob!" [aside] "Kill him and his whole family." -Apple meeting
@david8hughes: [phone rings] "Mr Hughes?" "Yeah." "We need u to come pick yr son up from school." "Ugh. Whats he done now?" "Nothing. Its nearly midnight."