I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
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im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
smh
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.