i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
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Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’