i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
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If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
That eye roll….
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
accurate
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing