i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
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I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.