I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters