@_sweet_ham: I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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@mexinonblonde: Don't ever leave a bag of mini Heath bars at your desk to prove you can't be tempted.... Because Satan's game is strong
@burntmybagel: My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him "doctor."
@PiratedTweet: One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Samsung users are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
@TheCatWhisprer: [cats at shelter] Where's Frank? "Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now."