I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
The A string on my guit_r is flat