wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
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My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Great Canadian literature.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”