I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
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My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
bears
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.