I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
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“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“The Perfect Relationship”
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
What if the weather talks about us?