me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
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It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.