I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
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When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
nature’s most graceful animal
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I’m pretty like a car crash.