I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
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*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
m’lady
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
cats when you pet them too long:
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.