(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
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Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I don’t make the rules sorry
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Any refunds available?…
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea