I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
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Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me: