I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
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All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
What kind of a cult is this?
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually