i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
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Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Cats (2019)
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
The two types of wives
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.