I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
You Might Also Like
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake