Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
You Might Also Like
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
This could be us… but you playing
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
saw this in a dream
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.