I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
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My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description