[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
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The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
#growingpains
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I beg your pardon?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”