I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
You Might Also Like
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Well, this is awkward
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*