I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
You Might Also Like
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.