I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
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At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.