I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
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Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be