I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
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My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
me after drinking all the wine:
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She