I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
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The fall of Netflix
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
wishing you and yours all the best