Beware…..
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I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.