Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
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This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.