I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
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ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Just this preview of the story is enough
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Batman v Dracula
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.