“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
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You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
DOOO EEEET
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian