I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
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Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.