@chuuew: I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
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@XplodingUnicorn: What was the point in making your car louder, bro? Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
@internetluke: [snapchat HQ] Boss: anybody got anything good? Guy (who smoked weed instead of working): people with big eyes puking rainbows?
@HeyZeus666: I just realized that no matter what it says on my tombstone I'm going to have to read it upside down.
@mynameisntdave: [diner] ME: I'll have the eggs, please WAITER: how would you like those? ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.