Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
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New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.