I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
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When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.