Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
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My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
This is a sub tweet
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.