I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
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If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Finally!
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
The dark side of Canada
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
groan^2
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.