I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
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Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
let’s discuss
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR